Welcome to My Truth

Bridgeport: Weeks Ago

A frigid wind gusted in from the water, snatching Annabella’s skirt as she walked aimlessly towards the beach.  She stands still for a moment staring back at her footprints, wondering how much wind and weather it would take to make them disappear.

She looked small and pitiful as she stood overlooking the black water.  In the distance the sky was the colour of lead.  Her face was still stunned and expressionless, a gleam of terror in her eyes.

The taxi didn’t wait around after dropping her off in front of her father’s home and she must have left her phone in her self-catering hotel room she rented after her lease on her apartment expired and she neglected to timeously renew it.

She felt desperate to take a long shower and to remove her makeup and to shampoo her hair.  It had been a long walk and she can’t remember when last she had something to eat or drink – most of all she needed a drink – a strong one.

……

Driven by hunger and thirst she leaves the beach and keep walking until she finally reaches her hotel lobby.  She digs in her pockets for her keys reluctant to go up to her room alone – dreading the isolation – she feared nothingness, because she knew what it felt like.

She Fumbles with her keys while heading down the hallway towards her room and finally finds the right one - unlocking the door, pushing it lightly it yawns open revealing the emptiness behind it. 

After a long hot shower she sits down on the tawny corduroy couch in her underwear undecided whether to go out and have a drink at the Sports Bar across the road or to stay in again when familiar face fills the screen –

“Graeme” she whispers softly and touches her lips as if to hold on to the sound of his name.

She turns up the volume. 

Graeme Lagrange arrived in Bridgeport today after signing a deal with the Bridgeport International Football Association to play … she didn’t pay attention to the rest of the report.  “He’s here” she whispered softly to herself.

She realizes she is treading over a minefield of false comfort, but could this be fate?  They always had such a unique connection.  She never stopped loving him.  Maybe if they meet again Graeme will feel the same way. 

But then her voice of reason begs to differ.  It’s been such a long time.  To force a connection would be a lie, don’t lie to yourself because you so desperately want there to be a connection.  No one gets to start where they left off.  It just doesn’t work that way.

Ignoring her inner monologue she gets up from the couch and gets dressed, suddenly a flicker of hope in her heart.  Maybe she will run into him.  Maybe she will see him again.  Maybe he still feels the same way …..

It’s mid-afternoon and a starving Annabella finds herself eating chicken wings and sipping a strange drink through a straw.  She ended up in the Sports Bar closest to her hotel room. 

Partyrockers in the house tonight… everybody’s gonna have a good time … booming through the speakers, neon signs lit up and ceiling fans slowly turn.  Tables are packed with football supporters, eating, drinking and getting ready to watch the game on the wide screen TV.

Annabella motions for another drink and notice a man on the other side of the bar staring at her.  He doesn’t look away when she looks at him, just stands there and continues to stare at her - his face expressionless.

The barman appears with her drink and places it on the counter, briefly blocking the strange man’s view of her and when he turns around to fill another order Annabella notices the strange man had left.

She takes a sip of her drink and hears the swish of a can pop open close to her.  She knows drinking is probably not a good idea but today she can’t stop herself – she has a sickness in her soul.

Nobody gives a shit about her – she has no real job, no place to call home and the only family she has left wants nothing to do with her.  Her life has gone to Hell.  She feels unbearable pain and shame laced with a venomous anger.

People around her are drinking beer and shots of tequila and snacking on free peanuts – everybody happy – except her.

She could feel someone’s eyes on her back – and then she hears his familiar voice: “Bells, is that you?”  Her heart caught in her throat and she slowly turns around, certain she had too much to drink and is imagining things.  Then she saw his handsome, magnificent face.  He was wearing a blue shirt, black slacks and polished black leather shoes.

“Graeme” her voice was barely a whisper.

“I wasn’t sure it was you.  I just had to make sure” he moves closer and hugs her and with him comes the scent of his cologne.  She welcomes his friendly embrace wishing it could last forever. 

“I always think of you Bells” he says with his face in her hair “I always wonder where you are, if you’re safe” and then he gently pushes her away so that he can look at her.  For a moment they stood there and looked at each other as if the whole world had fallen away. 

He glances at the table of obtuse hard-drinking young men behind them and stands a little closer to her so that he could hear her, his arm touching hers and she feels his heat and smells his scent.  Her love for Graeme was difficult to explain.  The more she loved the memory of him, the stronger and stronger it became.

He touches her arm and lets it rest there for a minute.  His mouth opened to say something to her when a tall, attractive woman with long chestnut hair wraps her arms around him seductively and plants a kiss on his lips.  He gazes into her eyes lovingly and she whispers something into his ear.  Graeme gives her a lazy smile and takes her hand and turns his attention back to Annabella. 

“I’d like you to meet someone” he says to the woman at his side.

“Shauna, this is Annabella” and he looks back warmly into the woman’s eyes “Annabella, this is my fiancé, Shauna” the words hit her like an ice-cold gush of wind.

Shauna gives Annabella a warm smile and reaches her hand out to her “Pleased to meet you Annabella.”

Annabella had a stunned look on her face and managed a quiet “hello” mentally kicking herself for ignoring the possibility that Graeme may have moved on with his life.

Of course he moved on with his life – of course he found someone else to love – but there is a connection – it was there – I’m sure he felt it too …

She hears him say to Shauna: “Annabella and I went to school together in Twinbrook”

This can’t be right.  We belong together Graeme … I can’t lose you again …

“Sweetheart, you must be so pleased to run into one of your old friends after such a long time.  I can’t stay long and it makes me feel so much better to know that you will at least have some company” Shauna says to Graeme.

“You’re not staying?”

“No.  Crisis at the office I have to go and deal with quickly.  It shouldn’t take too long.”

“Babe, you promised”.  He starts to protests, but the words get caught in his throat when he notices the paleness in Annabella’s face and the displeased look in her eyes.

“Annabella are you okay?  You look a little pale.  Do you want to sit down?” He asks concerned.

“No.  I’m fine” she manages – a bewildered look in her eyes – “I just need to go to the ladies room”

“It’s near the exit to your right.  Do you want me to come with you?” Shauna offers.

But she rushes off quickly before Graeme can see her eyes.  Before he could see what she was thinking.  She could never keep anything from him.  He always knew all there was to know.

Annabella rushes straight past the ladies room making her way to the exit and running out of the bar blindly, tears flooding her eyes - not noticing the strange man from earlier standing at the door, her boots thuds loudly on the pavement as she runs towards the hotel lobby as fast as she can.

She steps inside her hotel-room and closes the door behind her, breathing hard.  Her chest heaves rapidly and she opens the window to feel the cold air against her skin.  Anger suddenly overcomes her and she takes her cell phone and hurls it through the open window as hard as she can.  She hurls it so far she can’t hear it land.

There is no escape from my life any longer.  No one cares.  I am not prepared to continue waking up with this fear of this empty feeling inside me – pretending everything is okay – I have learned to hide the hurt so well that no one can see I’m suffocating.  There is no simple solution - Sometimes goodbye is the only way.

She walks over to her handbag and takes the bottle of prescription sleeping pills and shakes all of them out into her damp palm.  In the make-shift kitchen she finds half-a-bottle of cheap Vodka and one-by-one she slips the pills into her mouth with uncertain hands, washing it down with a swig of Vodka each time. 

She walks over to the corduroy couch and lies down, closing her eyes – waiting for the darkness to swallow her - to put her out of her misery.

The voice of the reporter on the television lulls her to sleep.  She could feel herself sinking deeper and deeper.  She vaguely hears the door open and close not knowing if it is just a dream – not able to remember whether she had locked it. 

Eyelids heavy with sleep.  She hears footsteps approach, but she is feeling too numb to care. 

Two cold fingers feel for a pulse and then she dozes off again.  In-and-out of consciousness she hears the unfamiliar voice of a man talking to someone on his cell phone:

“I found the girl ……” she hears him say to someone on the other side of the phone. 

“You’re not going to like this” he says.  “It looks like she is trying to kill herself.  I found an empty bottle of pills next to her.

She could hear someone talking on the other side of the line.

“No.  Not much longer” she hears him say.

… and then she dozes off again.

“This was not part of the deal Stellar!  You told me to find her, give her the money and escort her out of town – nobody said anything about anyone dying!  This changes things.  You know it.”

“No! I don’t want more money!  I’m calling an ambulance.”

I don’t give a shit about your fucking campaign!  How stupid do you think I am!  If the shit hits the fan – and it will - I’m the one going down!”

…. and then Annabella loses consciousness completely entering a mixture of nightmares and dreams.

He walks over to her where she was sitting in her field of dreams and pulls her up into his arms.  Her Graeme - as always turning her nightmares into dreams – comes to try and save her from herself.  He could charm adults and children with equal ease and always knew what to say and when to say it.  She admired how effortlessly and seamlessly he cold move from being amusing to engaging, funny.

He hooked his thumbs into the back pockets of her jeans.

“Am I dreaming?  Has my time finally come?”

“Why are you doing this” he says to her. 

“All I ever wanted was for someone to truly love me Graeme.  So many things have happened – things you don’t know about.  Don’t resent me for what I’ve done.  Remember all the good things; find a reason to miss me ….” she pleads.

“Bells, no matter what happened in your life you’d always be at the end of mine.”

She gazes into his eyes.  “This seems to be the only way we can ever be together again” she whispers. “You have moved on and now I know that if you can’t be a part of my life, at least you’re at the end of it.

I've shed a million tears and I've had a million fears - the only thing that kept saving me was a single haunted memory of your face.  I still want you.... I still love you - I've kept this one single faith .... that we will be together forever."

He listens to her with studious consideration, a lazy smile forming on his lips.

“You done talking?” he asks.

“Yeah. I think I’m done now” she says smiling up at him.

And he bends down to kiss her ….

……

She feels a strong force pulling her away from Graeme.  She tries to hold on to his touch, to his voice, to his scent, but they all disappear in a flash and she wakes up with a bitter aftertaste of vomit and vodka and sleeping pills.

“Heart rate is stable” she hears a woman’s voice.  “Welcome back Miss Stirling”.